"These days many smartphone games are released. But in my case, I have never played those recent games. My first and last game is 'Starcraft'. When I was 13 years old, I stared 'Starcraft'. One of my friends took me to PC game room. By destiny, that time I met 'Starcraft' for the first time. 'Starcraft' has 3 tirbes. The combination and balance of 3 tribes are perfect. Whatever you choose any tribes, it is fair to play. And a variety of strategies tatics make game exciting. Those are why 'Starcraft' is so popular. I had played it until graduating university. Now, I don't play it, but 'Starcraft' will be forever in my heart."

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These days many smartphone games are released. But in my case, I have never played those recent games. My first and last game is 'Starcraft'. When I was 13 years old, I stared 'Starcraft'. One of my friends took me to PC game room. By destiny, that time I met 'Starcraft' for the first time. 'Starcraft' has 3 tirbes. The combination and balance of 3 tribes are perfect. Whatever you choose any tribes, it is fair to play. And a variety of strategies tatics make game exciting. Those are why 'Starcraft' is so popular. I had played it until graduating university. Now, I don't play it, but 'Starcraft' will be forever in my heart.

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These days many smartphone games are being released. I have never played those games because "Starcraft" is the best game for me. When I was 13 years old, one of my friends took me to a PC gaming room and that was when I first played it. "Starcraft" has three tribes. The combination and balance of the three tribes are perfect. It is fair to play whatever tribe you choose. A variety of strategies and tactics make the game exciting. Those are why "Starcraft" is so popular. I had played it until I graduated university. I do not play it anymore, but "Starcraft" will be forever in my heart.

Notes:
Blue - additional and better expressions
Red - spelling, punctuation and capitalization
Green - articles and pronouns
Yellow - word usage
Pink - sentence structure
Blue - verb tenses

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Dear Mr. Won,

Your improvements are really visible. I acclaimed you for being such a hardworking student. You composed better sentences now. Good job! I suggest you to review things about pronouns and articles to avoid lapses. Study well. Have a lovely day!

Love,
Teacher Angel

"It always seems impossible until it's done."