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제목 | Introducing my job | 등록일 | 2014-07-03 |
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내용 | Good afternoon teacher~ Did you happend to have lunch? I had lunch with my collegues at the restaurant operated by my company. I was fasnated with your passionative class. If you don't mind I try to introduce about my job. My job name "Technical Architecture" This job is related with IT such as server, storage and network. Kindly I don't like this type of jobs. Because It's a little bit boring. I usually make a design for customer, and explain about that. Even though I work hard to meet customer, There isn't any achievement if customer doesn't be satisfied with my job. If I get an opportunity to get the new job. I'll find morer creative job, such as an instructor of riding bicycle, playing a piano, making plastic model. But It's just my imagine. I'd better to finish today's job if I want to go home just in time. See you tomorrow |
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담당강사 | Tara | 등록일 | 2014-07-04 |
첨삭 내용 | Hi Jack! It's good to hear from you again. I was glad that you were able to written a composition again. It is coherent and a nice piece to read. Moreover, I knew more about you. I just corrected some parts of your sentences. Please check the following corrections: Your composition: Good afternoon teacher~ Did you happend to have lunch? I had lunch with my collegues at the restaurant operated by my company. I was fasnated with your passionative class. If you don't mind I try to introduce about my job. My job name "Technical Architecture" This job is related with IT such as server, storage and network. Kindly I don't like this type of jobs. Because It's a little bit boring. I usually make a design for customer, and explain about that. Even though I work hard to meet customer, There isn't any achievement if customer doesn't be satisfied with my job. If I get an opportunity to get the new job. I'll find morer creative job, such as an instructor of riding bicycle, playing a piano, making plastic model. But It's just my imagine. I'd better to finish today's job if I want to go home just in time. See you tomorrow Revised: Good afternoon teacher! Did you happen to have lunch? I had lunch with my colleagues at the restaurant operated by my company. I was fascinated with your passionate teaching. If you don't mind, I’ll try to introduce about my job. My job is "Technical Architecture" This job is related with IT such as server, storage and network. Frankly speaking I don't like this type of jobs because it’s a little bit boring. I usually make a design for customer, and explain about it. Even though I work hard to meet customer, there isn't any achievement if the customer isn’t satisfied with my job. If I get an opportunity to get the new job. I'll find a more creative job such as an instructor of riding bicycle, playing the piano or making plastic model. But it's just my imagination. I'd better finish my work today if I want to go home in time. See you tomorrow!
Anyway, your ideas are good and a bit humorous. Please apply the knowledge you could get from the correction. May you have a great weekend! |